Standing room only...

Today the Democratic Party will meet to attempt to decide the fate of Florida and Michigan. My prediction: Clinton will bitch.

Why? The delegates will not be fully seated. There are only two practical choices that can be pursued. Either 1) Only a percentage of the delegates will be seated from either state or 2) all of the delegates will be seated but they will only be given a percentage of their vote. Both of these scenarios end in Hillary Clinton bitching.

Here is my solution-Obama and Clinton must Kung Fu fight!

Donuts: An Instrument of Death

Rachel Ray is a terrorist, an radical Islamic apologist, and someone who is able to make a decent meal in 30 minutes or less. How dare she wear a scarf in a Dunkin' Donuts commercial? (For anyone who has yet to hear about this- http://money.cnn.com/2008/05/29/news/companies/dunkin_donuts)
Michelle Malkin says that this scarf is a kaffiyeh. What the hell is a kaffiyeh? According to Malkin ''The kaffiyeh, for the clueless, is the traditional scarf of Arab men that has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad". That's right, for the clueless. It is your duty as an American to be an expert in all things that could possibly be misinterpreted, bastardized, and used to accuse someone of being a terrorist or a sympathizer. Is this really what we have reduced ourselves to? Here is a bit of information that the Ms. Malkin may be unaware of: ARAB DOES NOT EQUAL TERRORIST. Wearing a fruity white scarf with frazzled ends does not make you a terrorist. And being a liberal does not make you a terrorist, despite the ignorance of many in this country. Had Rachel Ray appeared in a Donut commercial wearing a swastika or holding a burning cross, believe me I would be outraged. But she is wearing a scarf, one which resembles a common style worn in the middle east by common people in the middle east. If she were to appear in the commercial wearing a hoodie would Malkin accuse her of being the uni-bomber? If she were wearing a red shirt would she be accused of being a communist? No.

Where then does this accusation originate? Ignorance. Cultural ignorance, and the right's desperate attempts to distract us from the issues effecting us here at home. It is the accusation of a conservative screaming out "Hey, look over here! Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain who has tanked our economy and backed us into foreign policy corner! Who cares if people are dying in Myanmar and China, who cares if you can't afford to drive to work because gas is $3.95 a gallon while oil companies make billions? RACHEL RAY IS A TERRORIST! And Dunkin' Donuts is Satan!" Yes, terrorism is a horrific thing which is a tremendous blight on human society. The mere fact that one person feels they are so superior to another that they have the right to kill them reflects ignorance and barbarism. But overreacting to ridiculous things like a scarf does nothing to decrease the incidence of terror attacks in the world. I can say with extreme confidence that no terrorists are going to be emboldened by a dumpy scarf in a Donut commercial. Rachel Ray is not signaling Bin Laden with her scarf, and she is not sending 30 minute meals to Afghanistan disguised as iced coffee. If she were, her bank transaction behavior and travel habits would probably be better indicators than her clothing.

Think about what your saying before you say it.

CNN Strikes Back

A brief look at today's top stories:

Earthquake Strikes Iceland- A magnitude 6.1 earthquake struck southern Iceland today. Reports from Reykjavik confirm that Bjork is doing fine.

Helicopter Crashes on Hospital Roof- If your gonna crash a helicopter...

Pelosi Prepared to Step In and End Race- Because there can be only one!

Bill Murray's Wife Files for Divorce- He couldn't hide groundhog day forever...

Just roll down the window...

This just in: The only can on the International Space Station is broken. The Russian and his power dump broke it. An emergency plumbing run is scheduled to be added to discovery's mission next week. So although the solid waste containment unit is functioning, the astronauts will be swimming in pee for the next week. Thanks Russia, way to be a team player...

For now NASA's solution is a simple sign:

This one broke, Don't use

This post broke

Today at work I saw a magnificent example of professional written communication. One of the stalls in the bathroom is out of order. But what sign awaits the weary traveler, searching for reprieve? A simple, handwritten sign that read "This one broke, Don't use". As far as I am aware it has always been considered unprofessional to use informal (speaking) language when writing objective or public service information. Given that, this sign confuses the hell out of me. Its not only written in an informal manner, but it essentially uses language that should qualify as sub-koine vernacular. If this sign represents common spoken English, our language is boned. Don't believe me? Go read the declaration of Independence, or anything written by Thomas Jefferson for that matter. Take Shakespeare to a public school in downtown St. Louis and ask people on the street to read and explain any passage. Now take those same people and ask them to read and explain a verse from any recent rap song. I guarantee the latter will generate more coherent interpretations.

Don't get me wrong, I don't blame rap for the degeneration of the English language. I blame this simple fact, posited to me by one of my psychology professors in college: people are lazy. The majority of human behavior is dictated by our inherent laziness. We create stereotypes because our brains are too lazy to form and retain independent information about everyone we see, so we create shortcuts to save time. We group numbers together because we are too lazy mentally to remember longer numbers (think about your phone number vs. your bank account number, which are you more likely to remember?). We have microwaves because we are too lazy to cook real food, TVs because we are too lazy to go outside, and Bill O'Reilly because were too lazy to form angry mobs. This degradation in English is not a cultural phenomenon, its not the expression of a new generation, its the manifestation of our laziness. We are too lazy to read, too lazy to learn to speak our language properly. We are not reverting to earlier versions of the language, and we are not incorporating Gullah or any other language. We are simply lazy.

Ever seen the movie idiocracy? That is were this language is leading us. We will have the masturbation channel. We will have commercials that say "Carl's JR: Fuck you, I'm Eating". This has moved beyond the realm of debating the legitimacy of "aint" and right into complete innanity. Please learn to speak english. Please teach your children to speak english. If you are unable to learn to speak enlish, then please refrain from having children. The future of professional communication depends on it.

Space-Time

I believe that, although a brilliant physicist, Einstein neglected a crucial element when investigating the relationship between mass and time. While Einstein did say that an objects mass effects how it experiences time, i.e. the more massive an object is the more it distorts space-time. He neglected to take into account an objects position in space relative to surrounding masses. For example, although the pharmacy technician assures you that your prescription will be filled in 15 minutes, it actually takes 45. How can it be that these seasoned professionals are consistently wrong about the amount of time it takes to complete the core task of their position? The simplest answer is this: Space-Time is distorted differently within the confines of a pharmacy than outside of it. Perhaps the average pharmacist is less dense than the average person, or perhaps pharmacies are constructed of some magical material...I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But somehow, time moves slower within a pharmacy. And the most disturbing part of this phenomenon is that it has begun to spread to other establishments (I blame the LHC). Drive through windows for example- "Please pull forward and we will bring your food out to you in just a minute". Right. Somehow that minute turns into 10 and I'm late for work. Thanks ass hat.

NASA needs to invest time and money into investigating this phenomenon. Better yet, they should pay me to do it for them. But I will need lots of money...and a car...and an expense account...

This atrocity must be addressed, for the love of God somebody please think of our impatient children.

CNN the Wonder Dog

In the news today:
Ted Kennedy has Brain Cancer
Gas Prices Hit a New High
Oil Tops $135 per Barrel
New Honda Hybrid Could Mean Trouble for Detroit
and finally-and this I believe really captures the mindset of people today-

Rat rides on a cat riding on a dog.

Thank you CNN. Thank you for clearing that up for me. My life is a little more complete now that the "can a rat ride a cat who is riding a dog" mystery has been cleared up. Now if only world hunger, nuclear proliferation regulation, and interstellar travel could take a page from these progressive animals and get moving on their own solutions.

To hell with it, gas is ridiculous, I think I will ride the rat on the cat on the dog to work tomorrow to save on fuel. Maybe we could pick up a spider and an old lady on the way...

And a horse...

And Blackjack...
And Hookers...

The Monkey Awards

Today I won an award. Of all the monkeys I work with in the entirety of US Bank, I apparently use my stick the best (Giggity). I like to think of it as the "Excelling in Mediocrity" award. But, to the several hundred other bankers whose asses I kicked, I would like to say this: I deserve this award. I shall cherish it forever, and immediately hock it.

In other news, My employer seems to be pro-Obama, or at least anti-Clinton. When searching for various news articles at work, I am allowed to read political articles involving the former or ol' Johhny McNewbush. However, should I venture to the Clinton side of the articles(insert Imperial March here), I get a big fat ACCESS DENIED error message. And its only the pro-Clinton articles that are blocked. Anything with a headline reading "Obama whips the piss out of Clinton in NC" is fine, but click on "Clinton Takes West Virginia" and BOOM! You've just been reported to the district manager for internet abuse. Now, I could understand being accused of internet abuse if I was reading things like "Clinton Takes It In West Virginia" or "Obama Whips the Piss out of Clinton in NC in Public for Money". But that's simply not the case... I am a man of standards, damn it. And if the bank ever captured my standards I would send in every last soldier to save them. Because without standards, how would I conquer Vermont?

Think aboot it...

Fun in the Workplace

I work in a bank. It may be an in-store branch, but it is in fact a "real" bank. It is amazing how many of the customers are unable to comprehend this simple concept. "Oh, I can cash a check here? I Can open a home equity line here? Damn, I thought you were just here to give me directions on how to get to the real bank." Exactly. The bank has invested billions into opening in store directory stands. My branch is not a kiosk, a check cashing stand, or a "satellite branch". My branch does not, in fact, orbit another branch.

These unfortunate but inevitable situations aside, I hate my job. Don't get me wrong, the job is not hard or really all that bad. Honestly, a monkey with a stick could do what I do. However, were you to look on the primate evolutionary chart, my manager would be seen hanging out with the monkeys who have yet to master the stick, and are still flinging poo at each other for fun. She has worked in banking for about 2 years now, and is still incapable of performing the simplest of everyday tasks. She defers to me on almost everything she does, including things I as a banker have no business knowing how to do. Like interpreting the branches financial stance and explaining managerial incentive plans to her and the other stick-less monkeys in the district. When I leave the branch she is completely screwed.

And to top it all off, she routinely lies to her employees. Its about the most ridiculous things, yet she insists on lying. For the most part, the only motivation to lie is simply that she is too lazy to take the time to tell the truth. It makes for a fantastic work environment...

But, I start med school in August, and won't be working there much longer.

Mario Kart Wii!!!!!!!

Mario Kart Wii is quite possibly one of the most entertaining games I have ever played. Granted, Mario Kart for the SNES was my favorite game growing up, but the Wii installment of the game rightly claims its position next to the other games. The intuitive driving system is phenomenal, and the callback to the classic levels is more that nostalgic. The only complaint I have about the game is the characters voices. Unfortunately, like in most Mario games, Mario sounds like a prepubescent Japanese school boy who has been kicked in the nuts by some kind of giant nut-kicking machine. Seriously, were the only people to audition for the voice of Mario Tiny Tim (the Ukulele player, not the kid) and Michael Jackson? Why couldn't Mario have been voiced by a man's man, like...um.....Bruce Campbell? Imagine Mario facing down a room full of Goombas, He turns towards the Goombas dramatically and states "It's a me, Mario, and this isa my Boomstick!" Blow away some Goombas...yeah....

They had it coming...

Iron Man Smells Like Whiskey...

Went to see Iron Man today, a bit behind the game I know, but a few points about the movie really stood out. First, the movie has been out for a while but the theater was still completely packed. Congratulations Mr. Jr...Second, despite the fact that I was stuck sitting next to a woman who wreaked of whiskey and most likely has to pay for several seats when flying I thoroughly enjoyed the movie. It was hilarious, there were many explosions, and I think I may have discovered such a thing as a "contact drunk". Ultimately on a scale of one to sauce, this movie was ravioli.

Also, is the term "Bat Guano" redundant?

There Stands Myanmar Like a Stone Wall...

The Myanmar...ian....government has recently stated that, after one of the worst natural disasters in history, they will be accepting any possible aid from all corners of the earth. The specific aid they are allowing will consist of one cargo plane from the united states...ONE CARGO PLANE?!?!?!?!? 100,000 dead and countless starving...one plane to fix it all. That's like taking one big mac to a fat peoples convention.

I recently purchased GTA IV and Mario Kart Wii, and will review them shortly.

Private Delegation

Senator Hillary Clinton has recently requested that uncommitted superdelegates commit to her privately, to avoid the political risks associated with backing her. Fantastic idea...Why would someone vote for a candidate that they are embarrassed to back publicly? Its like driving three towns over to go to dinner with a girl you don't want any of your friends to know your dating.

Meanwhile, according to an Obama aide who spoke of condition of anonymity to CNN (most likely because he's full of crap) Obama will be declaring victory on May 20th, apparently with or without the delegates to back his claim. In an unrelated story, I am planing to claim Vermont for Spain on May 17th. Should be just as effective.

Liquidity Fix

President Bush has signed legislation designed to inject liquidity into the student loan market by allowing the U.S. Department of Education to buy federally guaranteed student loans that lenders haven't been able to sell to investors. When contacted for comment, the president admitted that he would have never signed something that makes so much sense, but at the time believed that "liquidity" was a slang term for heroin.

Meanwhile, oil has topped $123/Barrel today...

The Crap Begineth!

Allo,

After a recent run in with a certain kurtharsis.com, I have decided to attempt writing in a semi-public forum. I don't know what I will be writing about, or if anyone will be interested in reading it, but I can guarantee a few things. First, my spelling and grammar will suck. Second, I will do my best to be entertaining in whatever I write about.

But I have nothing to say now.....