Standing room only...

Today the Democratic Party will meet to attempt to decide the fate of Florida and Michigan. My prediction: Clinton will bitch.

Why? The delegates will not be fully seated. There are only two practical choices that can be pursued. Either 1) Only a percentage of the delegates will be seated from either state or 2) all of the delegates will be seated but they will only be given a percentage of their vote. Both of these scenarios end in Hillary Clinton bitching.

Here is my solution-Obama and Clinton must Kung Fu fight!

Donuts: An Instrument of Death

Rachel Ray is a terrorist, an radical Islamic apologist, and someone who is able to make a decent meal in 30 minutes or less. How dare she wear a scarf in a Dunkin' Donuts commercial? (For anyone who has yet to hear about this- http://money.cnn.com/2008/05/29/news/companies/dunkin_donuts)
Michelle Malkin says that this scarf is a kaffiyeh. What the hell is a kaffiyeh? According to Malkin ''The kaffiyeh, for the clueless, is the traditional scarf of Arab men that has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad". That's right, for the clueless. It is your duty as an American to be an expert in all things that could possibly be misinterpreted, bastardized, and used to accuse someone of being a terrorist or a sympathizer. Is this really what we have reduced ourselves to? Here is a bit of information that the Ms. Malkin may be unaware of: ARAB DOES NOT EQUAL TERRORIST. Wearing a fruity white scarf with frazzled ends does not make you a terrorist. And being a liberal does not make you a terrorist, despite the ignorance of many in this country. Had Rachel Ray appeared in a Donut commercial wearing a swastika or holding a burning cross, believe me I would be outraged. But she is wearing a scarf, one which resembles a common style worn in the middle east by common people in the middle east. If she were to appear in the commercial wearing a hoodie would Malkin accuse her of being the uni-bomber? If she were wearing a red shirt would she be accused of being a communist? No.

Where then does this accusation originate? Ignorance. Cultural ignorance, and the right's desperate attempts to distract us from the issues effecting us here at home. It is the accusation of a conservative screaming out "Hey, look over here! Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain who has tanked our economy and backed us into foreign policy corner! Who cares if people are dying in Myanmar and China, who cares if you can't afford to drive to work because gas is $3.95 a gallon while oil companies make billions? RACHEL RAY IS A TERRORIST! And Dunkin' Donuts is Satan!" Yes, terrorism is a horrific thing which is a tremendous blight on human society. The mere fact that one person feels they are so superior to another that they have the right to kill them reflects ignorance and barbarism. But overreacting to ridiculous things like a scarf does nothing to decrease the incidence of terror attacks in the world. I can say with extreme confidence that no terrorists are going to be emboldened by a dumpy scarf in a Donut commercial. Rachel Ray is not signaling Bin Laden with her scarf, and she is not sending 30 minute meals to Afghanistan disguised as iced coffee. If she were, her bank transaction behavior and travel habits would probably be better indicators than her clothing.

Think about what your saying before you say it.

CNN Strikes Back

A brief look at today's top stories:

Earthquake Strikes Iceland- A magnitude 6.1 earthquake struck southern Iceland today. Reports from Reykjavik confirm that Bjork is doing fine.

Helicopter Crashes on Hospital Roof- If your gonna crash a helicopter...

Pelosi Prepared to Step In and End Race- Because there can be only one!

Bill Murray's Wife Files for Divorce- He couldn't hide groundhog day forever...

Just roll down the window...

This just in: The only can on the International Space Station is broken. The Russian and his power dump broke it. An emergency plumbing run is scheduled to be added to discovery's mission next week. So although the solid waste containment unit is functioning, the astronauts will be swimming in pee for the next week. Thanks Russia, way to be a team player...

For now NASA's solution is a simple sign:

This one broke, Don't use

This post broke

Today at work I saw a magnificent example of professional written communication. One of the stalls in the bathroom is out of order. But what sign awaits the weary traveler, searching for reprieve? A simple, handwritten sign that read "This one broke, Don't use". As far as I am aware it has always been considered unprofessional to use informal (speaking) language when writing objective or public service information. Given that, this sign confuses the hell out of me. Its not only written in an informal manner, but it essentially uses language that should qualify as sub-koine vernacular. If this sign represents common spoken English, our language is boned. Don't believe me? Go read the declaration of Independence, or anything written by Thomas Jefferson for that matter. Take Shakespeare to a public school in downtown St. Louis and ask people on the street to read and explain any passage. Now take those same people and ask them to read and explain a verse from any recent rap song. I guarantee the latter will generate more coherent interpretations.

Don't get me wrong, I don't blame rap for the degeneration of the English language. I blame this simple fact, posited to me by one of my psychology professors in college: people are lazy. The majority of human behavior is dictated by our inherent laziness. We create stereotypes because our brains are too lazy to form and retain independent information about everyone we see, so we create shortcuts to save time. We group numbers together because we are too lazy mentally to remember longer numbers (think about your phone number vs. your bank account number, which are you more likely to remember?). We have microwaves because we are too lazy to cook real food, TVs because we are too lazy to go outside, and Bill O'Reilly because were too lazy to form angry mobs. This degradation in English is not a cultural phenomenon, its not the expression of a new generation, its the manifestation of our laziness. We are too lazy to read, too lazy to learn to speak our language properly. We are not reverting to earlier versions of the language, and we are not incorporating Gullah or any other language. We are simply lazy.

Ever seen the movie idiocracy? That is were this language is leading us. We will have the masturbation channel. We will have commercials that say "Carl's JR: Fuck you, I'm Eating". This has moved beyond the realm of debating the legitimacy of "aint" and right into complete innanity. Please learn to speak english. Please teach your children to speak english. If you are unable to learn to speak enlish, then please refrain from having children. The future of professional communication depends on it.

Space-Time

I believe that, although a brilliant physicist, Einstein neglected a crucial element when investigating the relationship between mass and time. While Einstein did say that an objects mass effects how it experiences time, i.e. the more massive an object is the more it distorts space-time. He neglected to take into account an objects position in space relative to surrounding masses. For example, although the pharmacy technician assures you that your prescription will be filled in 15 minutes, it actually takes 45. How can it be that these seasoned professionals are consistently wrong about the amount of time it takes to complete the core task of their position? The simplest answer is this: Space-Time is distorted differently within the confines of a pharmacy than outside of it. Perhaps the average pharmacist is less dense than the average person, or perhaps pharmacies are constructed of some magical material...I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But somehow, time moves slower within a pharmacy. And the most disturbing part of this phenomenon is that it has begun to spread to other establishments (I blame the LHC). Drive through windows for example- "Please pull forward and we will bring your food out to you in just a minute". Right. Somehow that minute turns into 10 and I'm late for work. Thanks ass hat.

NASA needs to invest time and money into investigating this phenomenon. Better yet, they should pay me to do it for them. But I will need lots of money...and a car...and an expense account...

This atrocity must be addressed, for the love of God somebody please think of our impatient children.

CNN the Wonder Dog

In the news today:
Ted Kennedy has Brain Cancer
Gas Prices Hit a New High
Oil Tops $135 per Barrel
New Honda Hybrid Could Mean Trouble for Detroit
and finally-and this I believe really captures the mindset of people today-

Rat rides on a cat riding on a dog.

Thank you CNN. Thank you for clearing that up for me. My life is a little more complete now that the "can a rat ride a cat who is riding a dog" mystery has been cleared up. Now if only world hunger, nuclear proliferation regulation, and interstellar travel could take a page from these progressive animals and get moving on their own solutions.

To hell with it, gas is ridiculous, I think I will ride the rat on the cat on the dog to work tomorrow to save on fuel. Maybe we could pick up a spider and an old lady on the way...

And a horse...

And Blackjack...
And Hookers...