CNN the Wonder Dog

In the news today:
Ted Kennedy has Brain Cancer
Gas Prices Hit a New High
Oil Tops $135 per Barrel
New Honda Hybrid Could Mean Trouble for Detroit
and finally-and this I believe really captures the mindset of people today-

Rat rides on a cat riding on a dog.

Thank you CNN. Thank you for clearing that up for me. My life is a little more complete now that the "can a rat ride a cat who is riding a dog" mystery has been cleared up. Now if only world hunger, nuclear proliferation regulation, and interstellar travel could take a page from these progressive animals and get moving on their own solutions.

To hell with it, gas is ridiculous, I think I will ride the rat on the cat on the dog to work tomorrow to save on fuel. Maybe we could pick up a spider and an old lady on the way...

And a horse...

And Blackjack...
And Hookers...

The Monkey Awards

Today I won an award. Of all the monkeys I work with in the entirety of US Bank, I apparently use my stick the best (Giggity). I like to think of it as the "Excelling in Mediocrity" award. But, to the several hundred other bankers whose asses I kicked, I would like to say this: I deserve this award. I shall cherish it forever, and immediately hock it.

In other news, My employer seems to be pro-Obama, or at least anti-Clinton. When searching for various news articles at work, I am allowed to read political articles involving the former or ol' Johhny McNewbush. However, should I venture to the Clinton side of the articles(insert Imperial March here), I get a big fat ACCESS DENIED error message. And its only the pro-Clinton articles that are blocked. Anything with a headline reading "Obama whips the piss out of Clinton in NC" is fine, but click on "Clinton Takes West Virginia" and BOOM! You've just been reported to the district manager for internet abuse. Now, I could understand being accused of internet abuse if I was reading things like "Clinton Takes It In West Virginia" or "Obama Whips the Piss out of Clinton in NC in Public for Money". But that's simply not the case... I am a man of standards, damn it. And if the bank ever captured my standards I would send in every last soldier to save them. Because without standards, how would I conquer Vermont?

Think aboot it...

Fun in the Workplace

I work in a bank. It may be an in-store branch, but it is in fact a "real" bank. It is amazing how many of the customers are unable to comprehend this simple concept. "Oh, I can cash a check here? I Can open a home equity line here? Damn, I thought you were just here to give me directions on how to get to the real bank." Exactly. The bank has invested billions into opening in store directory stands. My branch is not a kiosk, a check cashing stand, or a "satellite branch". My branch does not, in fact, orbit another branch.

These unfortunate but inevitable situations aside, I hate my job. Don't get me wrong, the job is not hard or really all that bad. Honestly, a monkey with a stick could do what I do. However, were you to look on the primate evolutionary chart, my manager would be seen hanging out with the monkeys who have yet to master the stick, and are still flinging poo at each other for fun. She has worked in banking for about 2 years now, and is still incapable of performing the simplest of everyday tasks. She defers to me on almost everything she does, including things I as a banker have no business knowing how to do. Like interpreting the branches financial stance and explaining managerial incentive plans to her and the other stick-less monkeys in the district. When I leave the branch she is completely screwed.

And to top it all off, she routinely lies to her employees. Its about the most ridiculous things, yet she insists on lying. For the most part, the only motivation to lie is simply that she is too lazy to take the time to tell the truth. It makes for a fantastic work environment...

But, I start med school in August, and won't be working there much longer.

Mario Kart Wii!!!!!!!

Mario Kart Wii is quite possibly one of the most entertaining games I have ever played. Granted, Mario Kart for the SNES was my favorite game growing up, but the Wii installment of the game rightly claims its position next to the other games. The intuitive driving system is phenomenal, and the callback to the classic levels is more that nostalgic. The only complaint I have about the game is the characters voices. Unfortunately, like in most Mario games, Mario sounds like a prepubescent Japanese school boy who has been kicked in the nuts by some kind of giant nut-kicking machine. Seriously, were the only people to audition for the voice of Mario Tiny Tim (the Ukulele player, not the kid) and Michael Jackson? Why couldn't Mario have been voiced by a man's man, like...um.....Bruce Campbell? Imagine Mario facing down a room full of Goombas, He turns towards the Goombas dramatically and states "It's a me, Mario, and this isa my Boomstick!" Blow away some Goombas...yeah....

They had it coming...

Iron Man Smells Like Whiskey...

Went to see Iron Man today, a bit behind the game I know, but a few points about the movie really stood out. First, the movie has been out for a while but the theater was still completely packed. Congratulations Mr. Jr...Second, despite the fact that I was stuck sitting next to a woman who wreaked of whiskey and most likely has to pay for several seats when flying I thoroughly enjoyed the movie. It was hilarious, there were many explosions, and I think I may have discovered such a thing as a "contact drunk". Ultimately on a scale of one to sauce, this movie was ravioli.

Also, is the term "Bat Guano" redundant?

There Stands Myanmar Like a Stone Wall...

The Myanmar...ian....government has recently stated that, after one of the worst natural disasters in history, they will be accepting any possible aid from all corners of the earth. The specific aid they are allowing will consist of one cargo plane from the united states...ONE CARGO PLANE?!?!?!?!? 100,000 dead and countless starving...one plane to fix it all. That's like taking one big mac to a fat peoples convention.

I recently purchased GTA IV and Mario Kart Wii, and will review them shortly.

Private Delegation

Senator Hillary Clinton has recently requested that uncommitted superdelegates commit to her privately, to avoid the political risks associated with backing her. Fantastic idea...Why would someone vote for a candidate that they are embarrassed to back publicly? Its like driving three towns over to go to dinner with a girl you don't want any of your friends to know your dating.

Meanwhile, according to an Obama aide who spoke of condition of anonymity to CNN (most likely because he's full of crap) Obama will be declaring victory on May 20th, apparently with or without the delegates to back his claim. In an unrelated story, I am planing to claim Vermont for Spain on May 17th. Should be just as effective.